I Fall Apart
by FlickerInTheDark
Summary: Alexander receives some terrible news. ONESHOT


Alexander Hamilton was holding his son for what seemed like the first time but in reality more like the hundredth. His was sitting in the small nursery cooing at the small child.

"Philip, once you get a little older you can meet my friends. My friend Lafayette is so excited to see you! And Hercules, my other friend is eager to meet you as well. Ah and I cannot forget John!"

Philip was smiling and letting out small sounds of laughter. Alexander knew he was supposed to be putting his son down for his morning nap but the way his son clung on to his fingers. How could he let his son go when Philip clung so tightly?

"Alexander," a voice came up the hall from the stairs.

"Yes dear I was just putting him down," he called.

Alexander lowered his son into his crib. Philip began to whine.

"Shh, shh there, there," Alexander said brushing Philip's curls away and tucking the small blanket around him.

"Alexander," Eliza said now standing in the doorway.

"He's in bed," Alexander said before he turned and saw his wife. His wife looked worried. Worry lines were streaked across her face and she had a piece of paper.

"Eliza?"

"A letter just came. It is from John Laurens's father, Henry," she replied.

"Oh, I will read it later," Alexander said turning back to his son.

"I think it's important," she said coming forward to hand the letter to him.

"Will you read it?" he asked. He was naïve to the nervousness in Eliza's voice. He was just so happy about his son.

"Dear Mr. Hamilton, On Tuesday the 27th, my son was killed in a gunfight against British troops retreating from South Carolina. The war was already over. As you know, John dreamed of emancipating and recruiting 3000 men for the first all-black military regiment. His dream of freedom for these men dies with him." She said her words trailing off.

Alexander didn't notice he had stopped rubbing Philip's stomach until he began to squirm in his sleep.

"Oh God," Alexander said. Something shook him inside, he was so hollow, the world was suddenly gone and all that was left was this horrible news.

"Alexander are you alright?"

"I have so much work to do," Alexander said standing. The news shocked him. He had to go to his office. He couldn't let his wife see him in a state.

Once in his office he locked his door and fell into his chair. With his hands on his head and wept. Silent tears flooded down and Alexander shaking. How could this be? They had made plans to see each other in the summer and just a few weeks ago they had been exchanging letters.

John had been more than a friend or military comrade. John had been much more. Something he could never tell his wife or anyone. John had shared some of the scariest, hardest and coldest times in his life. In the war, John had held him in Valley Forge as the troops froze. Alexander remembered giving John his only pair of socks.

"N-no, you keep 'em," John shivered.

"Your toes are turning purple, I insist you put the damn socks on," Alexander said while he fumbled to remove the socks.

"Your wife I am certain would not appreciate a husband without toes. No one will care if I am missing a few toes," John said with a weak smile.

"Nonsense," he said giving John his socks.

"Thank you."

"You would have done the same," Alexander scoffed.

Alexander lightly laughed at that memory. John was so kind and Alexander knew John would do anything. John was such a good person believing everyone deserved their shot and for what? To get shot for trying to do something good?

"Alexander?" Eliza's voice drifted in through the door. He knew he couldn't shut her out.

Alexander rose and walked toward the door. He unlocked the door and before she had said anything he embraced her.

They just stood that way for minutes. Alexander forgot any attempt to hide his feelings and wept into Eliza's shoulder. Eliza patted his back and sighed. She knew how much John had meant to him. She remembered John telling her how much Alexander loved her.

At a ball or gathering of some sort, she had off-handedly mentioned how she did not think Alexander fancied her. John had said, "Not fancy you? Are you jesting? Our Alexander cannot talk about anything but you!"

As they were standing there saying nothing they heard Philip crying.

"I'll tend to him." Eliza moved toward the door before Alexander wiped his face and said, "No, let me."

Eliza nodded and watched her husband walk out of the room and down the hall. Alexander once in the nursery picked up Philip.

"Now now.." he lightly rocking Philip to calm him. Philip did not calm down.

"I know I know. I feel just the same. Remember how I said You would someday meet John?" Not waiting for a response he continued, "Well I am afraid that is not possible. A very good man is not longer with us."

Philip looked up at Alexander seeming to understand what was being said. Philip stopped crying and reached for his father's face.

"It is a shame. He is the best man the world could hope for. But I suppose maybe that's a good thing he is gone. There can only be one best man and now I suppose that is you, my son." Alexander smiled sadly at his son.

"You are now the best. So I suppose as a star enters another star must die," Alexander said softly. Philip seemingly knowing that Alexander was coming to grips with John's death began to fall back asleep.

Alexander just clutched Philip. He could never let his son go.


End file.
